1 00:00:03,451 --> 00:00:06,875 Milk, milk lemonade Milk, milk lemonade 2 00:00:06,899 --> 00:00:08,599 Milk, milk lemonade 3 00:00:08,623 --> 00:00:10,323 'Round the corner fudge is made 4 00:00:10,347 --> 00:00:13,771 Milk, milk lemonade Milk, milk lemonade 5 00:00:13,795 --> 00:00:15,351 Milk, milk lemonade 6 00:00:15,352 --> 00:00:17,018 'Round the corner fudge is made 7 00:00:17,154 --> 00:00:20,355 Milk, milk lemonade Milk, milk lemonade 8 00:00:20,490 --> 00:00:22,190 Milk, milk lemonade 9 00:00:22,325 --> 00:00:23,858 'Round the corner fudge is made 10 00:00:23,944 --> 00:00:27,412 I used to think that my tits was where it's at 11 00:00:27,531 --> 00:00:30,281 Used to be concerned that my booty was too fat 12 00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:33,785 But now I know the truth and that worry has been shot 13 00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:35,370 Big booty's what they want 14 00:00:35,505 --> 00:00:37,755 And big booty's what I got 15 00:00:37,874 --> 00:00:41,176 Milk, milk lemonade Milk, milk lemonade 16 00:00:41,261 --> 00:00:42,627 Milk, milk lemonade 17 00:00:42,712 --> 00:00:44,596 'Round the corner fudge is made 18 00:00:44,714 --> 00:00:48,049 Milk, milk lemonade Milk, milk lemonade 19 00:00:48,134 --> 00:00:49,968 Milk, milk lemonade 20 00:00:50,053 --> 00:00:51,436 'Round the corner fudge is made 21 00:00:51,555 --> 00:00:54,639 Tits are old news if you know what I mean 22 00:00:54,724 --> 00:00:58,193 All the guys love my fudge machine 23 00:00:58,278 --> 00:00:59,477 Look me in the eye 24 00:00:59,563 --> 00:01:01,279 Get your face in don't be shy 25 00:01:01,398 --> 00:01:02,981 You say you don't like asses 26 00:01:03,066 --> 00:01:05,900 'Cause I fart and break your glasses 27 00:01:05,986 --> 00:01:07,735 Turd cutter 28 00:01:07,871 --> 00:01:09,120 Loaf pincher 29 00:01:09,239 --> 00:01:11,072 Dookie maker 30 00:01:11,208 --> 00:01:12,790 Fudge machine 31 00:01:12,909 --> 00:01:14,292 Cheek-tastic 32 00:01:14,411 --> 00:01:16,077 Booty Mastiff 33 00:01:16,213 --> 00:01:17,662 Giant tuchus 34 00:01:17,747 --> 00:01:18,846 Fudge machine 35 00:01:18,882 --> 00:01:21,799 On my booty empire The sun never set 36 00:01:21,918 --> 00:01:22,750 Take a shot 37 00:01:22,886 --> 00:01:23,918 Yeah 38 00:01:24,004 --> 00:01:25,803 Nothing but net 39 00:01:25,922 --> 00:01:27,338 Milk, milk lemonade 40 00:01:27,424 --> 00:01:29,090 'Round the corner fudge is made 41 00:01:29,226 --> 00:01:30,808 I'm gonna make you scream and shout 42 00:01:30,927 --> 00:01:32,393 From the part of my body where poop comes out 43 00:01:32,479 --> 00:01:34,229 This is where my poop comes out 44 00:01:34,314 --> 00:01:35,980 This is where my poop comes out 45 00:01:36,099 --> 00:01:37,565 This is where my poop comes out 46 00:01:37,651 --> 00:01:39,350 This is where my poop comes out 47 00:01:39,436 --> 00:01:41,102 Talking about my fudge machine 48 00:01:41,238 --> 00:01:42,937 Talking about my fudge machine 49 00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:44,489 Talking about my fudge machine 50 00:01:44,608 --> 00:01:47,075 Talking about my fudge machine 51 00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,610 That's right, ladies. 52 00:01:48,695 --> 00:01:51,446 Ain't nothing better than a big, beautiful, sexy booty. 53 00:01:51,531 --> 00:01:54,616 But bottom line, no matter how fine the behind, 54 00:01:54,751 --> 00:01:57,335 you better call that onion what it really is. 55 00:01:57,454 --> 00:01:59,120 That shit's a fudge machine. 56 00:01:59,256 --> 00:02:00,171 Turn out. 57 00:02:00,290 --> 00:02:03,291 Milk, milk lemonade Milk, milk lemonade 58 00:02:03,426 --> 00:02:05,126 Milk, milk lemonade 59 00:02:05,262 --> 00:02:07,045 'Round the corner fudge is made 60 00:02:07,130 --> 00:02:08,379 This is where her poop comes out 61 00:02:08,465 --> 00:02:10,131 This is where your poop comes out 62 00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:11,747 This is where their poop comes out 63 00:02:11,768 --> 00:02:13,635 This is where our poop comes out 64 00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:15,386 This is what you think is hot 65 00:02:15,472 --> 00:02:17,272 This is what you think is hot 66 00:02:17,357 --> 00:02:19,107 This is what you think is hot 67 00:02:19,192 --> 00:02:20,558 Talking about my fudge machine 68 00:02:20,644 --> 00:02:22,277 This is what you think is hot 69 00:02:22,362 --> 00:02:24,062 This is what you think is hot 70 00:02:24,147 --> 00:02:25,697 This is what you think is hot 71 00:02:25,815 --> 00:02:27,482 Talking about my fudge machine 72 00:02:29,286 --> 00:02:30,985 It's where your poop comes out. 73 00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:40,421 Sync and corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 74 00:02:41,014 --> 00:02:42,547 This seems to be the year of the ass. 75 00:02:42,632 --> 00:02:44,672 I think the ass is overtaking the boobs, definitely. 76 00:02:44,684 --> 00:02:46,434 Do you think the tits could ever make a comeback? 77 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,269 The tits will always be there, everyone loves titties. 78 00:02:48,355 --> 00:02:49,971 - Everyone loves titties. - Everyone loves titties. 79 00:02:50,056 --> 00:02:51,356 Do you think tits will ever make a comeback? 80 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,358 - I hope so. - We can only pray. 81 00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:55,077 Please, Lord. Please make tits come back. 82 00:02:55,145 --> 00:02:56,144 Lord, hear our prayer. 83 00:02:56,229 --> 00:02:57,862 Can you describe the perfect ass? 84 00:02:57,981 --> 00:02:59,898 Not too small. 85 00:02:59,983 --> 00:03:01,566 Not too firm, not too soft. 86 00:03:01,651 --> 00:03:03,868 Stretch marks are okay. (Amy laughing) 87 00:03:03,987 --> 00:03:05,870 This sounds like the worst futon ever. 88 00:03:05,989 --> 00:03:08,272 I feel like you're assuming that I have ass stretch marks 89 00:03:08,358 --> 00:03:10,725 and you're right. 90 00:03:10,961 --> 00:03:13,495 Can you describe your perfect ass? 91 00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:15,130 Has to be dry. 92 00:03:15,215 --> 00:03:17,665 - I've got a girl for you. - Really? 93 00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:18,967 I'm out, immediately. 94 00:03:19,052 --> 00:03:21,986 I shit myself in Austin when I was going for a walk recently. 95 00:03:24,724 --> 00:03:28,343 96 00:03:35,452 --> 00:03:36,784 (morning announcer) It's Monday and that means 97 00:03:36,886 --> 00:03:40,155 the big game against Galveston is just a few days away. 98 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,190 We're praying that new guy, Coach Thompson, 99 00:03:42,275 --> 00:03:44,859 is getting our Bronconeers ready for combat. 100 00:03:44,945 --> 00:03:46,828 You the new football coach down at the high school? 101 00:03:46,913 --> 00:03:48,696 Yes, sir. Coach Thompson. 102 00:03:48,782 --> 00:03:50,698 - This is my wife, Amy. - Hey, y'all. 103 00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:52,450 Coach Crawford was like family. 104 00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,185 You got some big shoes to fill. 105 00:03:54,204 --> 00:03:57,029 We sure love our football around here, more than anything. 106 00:03:57,090 --> 00:03:58,923 My wife baked you up a pecan crumb. 107 00:03:59,042 --> 00:04:01,009 - Go Bronconeers! - Bronconeers. 108 00:04:01,094 --> 00:04:02,994 Ain't it good to be the coach? 109 00:04:07,217 --> 00:04:08,850 (wine splashing) 110 00:04:08,935 --> 00:04:10,385 Woo! 111 00:04:14,024 --> 00:04:15,557 She could get it all night 112 00:04:15,692 --> 00:04:18,226 Night, night, night, night, night, night 113 00:04:18,361 --> 00:04:19,227 She could get it 114 00:04:19,362 --> 00:04:20,395 (radio switches off) 115 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,398 Now, I'm not sure what you heard about me, 116 00:04:23,533 --> 00:04:24,649 but I do things a little different 117 00:04:24,734 --> 00:04:26,614 than y'all are used to here in Stewford Heights. 118 00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:28,260 This season, we're gonna be the first team 119 00:04:28,371 --> 00:04:29,971 in the county to run a no-huddle offense. 120 00:04:29,990 --> 00:04:31,906 - What? - You don't like that? 121 00:04:32,042 --> 00:04:34,042 You can just look at my 14-2 record Northeast last year. 122 00:04:34,127 --> 00:04:36,411 Second, we do two-a-days every day. 123 00:04:36,546 --> 00:04:37,795 Mm-hmm. 124 00:04:37,914 --> 00:04:40,415 And third, now, I just need you go to with me on this one. 125 00:04:41,751 --> 00:04:45,086 (marker screeching) 126 00:04:46,423 --> 00:04:47,672 (boy) No raping? 127 00:04:47,757 --> 00:04:49,474 But coach, we play football. 128 00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:50,621 My team, my rules. 129 00:04:50,646 --> 00:04:53,594 You don't like it, don't let the door rape you on the way out. 130 00:04:54,481 --> 00:04:56,064 (clipboard slamming on floor) 131 00:04:56,149 --> 00:04:57,684 - Can we rape at away games? - Nope. 132 00:04:57,709 --> 00:05:00,936 What if it's Halloween and she's dressed like a sexy cat? 133 00:05:01,021 --> 00:05:02,570 - Nope. - What if she thinks it's rape 134 00:05:02,656 --> 00:05:04,188 - but I don't? - (Coach Thompson) Still no. 135 00:05:04,274 --> 00:05:06,441 What about, like, a sexy ladybug? 136 00:05:06,526 --> 00:05:07,442 - (boy) Ah, yeah. - Mm. 137 00:05:07,577 --> 00:05:09,494 Nope. (disappointed sighing) 138 00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:12,079 A ghost? What about a sexy owl? 139 00:05:12,949 --> 00:05:13,948 (bell ringing) 140 00:05:15,085 --> 00:05:16,367 Sexy Transformer? 141 00:05:16,453 --> 00:05:20,171 What if my mom is the D.A. and won't prosecute? 142 00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:22,624 - Can I rape? - No, you cannot. 143 00:05:22,709 --> 00:05:23,841 (disappointed sighing) 144 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,127 What if she's drunk and has a slight reputation 145 00:05:26,263 --> 00:05:27,512 and no one's gonna believe her? 146 00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,180 - That ain't allowed. - Okay. 147 00:05:29,299 --> 00:05:31,266 The girl said yes to me the other day, 148 00:05:31,351 --> 00:05:33,184 - but it was about something else. - No. 149 00:05:33,203 --> 00:05:34,302 What if the girl said yes 150 00:05:34,437 --> 00:05:37,972 but then she changes her mind out of nowhere, like a crazy person. 151 00:05:38,058 --> 00:05:39,073 You gotta stop. 152 00:05:39,109 --> 00:05:41,229 - No, you gotta stop! - (boys) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 153 00:05:41,311 --> 00:05:42,310 Hey! Hey! 154 00:05:42,445 --> 00:05:43,645 (boy) Where did that come from? 155 00:05:52,122 --> 00:05:53,288 (woman) Hey. 156 00:05:53,373 --> 00:05:55,093 You're that new coach who don't like raping. 157 00:05:55,158 --> 00:05:57,292 (woman 2) How are our boys supposed to celebrate when they win? 158 00:05:57,377 --> 00:05:59,043 Or blow off steam if they lose? 159 00:05:59,162 --> 00:06:00,461 (hocking a loogie, spitting) 160 00:06:00,547 --> 00:06:03,331 That's not very neighborly, ladies. 161 00:06:03,466 --> 00:06:06,167 These folks, that's just their way, okay? 162 00:06:06,303 --> 00:06:08,920 You can't bring a wet mule around a hot corn oven. 163 00:06:09,005 --> 00:06:10,722 - Yeah, that's the truth. - Right? 164 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,474 How about just backing off this whole no raping thing for now? 165 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:14,676 - No, I know, I-- - We've been through this-- 166 00:06:14,811 --> 00:06:17,478 I know we've been through it and I know we have a daughter, okay? 167 00:06:17,564 --> 00:06:20,515 I know that and I love her, but I am so tired. 168 00:06:20,650 --> 00:06:23,351 I don't know why, but I am, you know? 169 00:06:24,854 --> 00:06:26,854 (sighing) 170 00:06:30,226 --> 00:06:31,326 (knocking on door) 171 00:06:32,662 --> 00:06:34,862 Hey, Coach, um... can I come in? 172 00:06:34,948 --> 00:06:36,781 Sure. 173 00:06:38,668 --> 00:06:42,370 Uh, I'm sorry to bother you at home, Coach, 174 00:06:42,455 --> 00:06:44,672 but you're the closest thing I ever had to a dad 175 00:06:44,758 --> 00:06:48,126 and I just wanna, you know, ask. 176 00:06:48,211 --> 00:06:50,044 Go ahead, son. 177 00:06:50,130 --> 00:06:51,796 But, like, what if someone else is raping her, right, 178 00:06:51,881 --> 00:06:53,264 and I'm just, like, filming it on my phone? 179 00:06:53,383 --> 00:06:55,633 No, no, it's still a no. You're just as guilty... 180 00:06:55,719 --> 00:06:57,635 but you already knew that, right? 181 00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,303 (laughing) 182 00:07:04,811 --> 00:07:06,561 (splashing) 183 00:07:08,331 --> 00:07:10,231 184 00:07:10,367 --> 00:07:13,534 (sports announcer) The Bronconeers are taking a beating out there. 185 00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:17,321 Oh, we got a hard hit on Cunningham and he is down. 186 00:07:17,407 --> 00:07:18,406 It's pretty severe. 187 00:07:18,491 --> 00:07:20,992 Just give it to me straight, Doc. 188 00:07:21,077 --> 00:07:23,044 Will my boy ever rape again? 189 00:07:23,129 --> 00:07:25,096 Afraid not. 190 00:07:25,415 --> 00:07:26,581 (crying) It's okay. It's okay. 191 00:07:29,052 --> 00:07:30,418 It's okay. 192 00:07:32,255 --> 00:07:35,506 (sports announcer) Bronconeers are really feeling Cunningham's loss. 193 00:07:35,592 --> 00:07:38,593 They're down 15 points. 194 00:07:38,678 --> 00:07:39,761 (whistle blowing) And that's halftime, folks. 195 00:07:39,846 --> 00:07:42,263 We should not be losing this game. 196 00:07:42,348 --> 00:07:43,915 Dugan, what the hell were you thinking out there 197 00:07:43,933 --> 00:07:44,866 on that last play, son? 198 00:07:44,901 --> 00:07:46,601 I was-- I was thinking about raping. 199 00:07:46,736 --> 00:07:48,069 God damn it. 200 00:07:48,154 --> 00:07:51,572 (crashing, rattling) 201 00:07:51,658 --> 00:07:55,026 How do I get through to you boys that football isn't about rape? 202 00:07:55,111 --> 00:07:58,696 It's about violently dominating anyone that stands 203 00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:02,200 between you and what you want. 204 00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:04,836 Now, you gotta get yourself into the mindset 205 00:08:04,954 --> 00:08:06,454 that you are gods... 206 00:08:06,539 --> 00:08:08,179 - Yeah. - ...and you are entitled to this. 207 00:08:08,258 --> 00:08:09,290 (boy) Yeah! 208 00:08:09,426 --> 00:08:11,509 That other team, they ain't just gonna lay down 209 00:08:11,628 --> 00:08:13,261 - and give it to you. - (boy) No! 210 00:08:13,346 --> 00:08:14,929 You gotta go out there and take it. 211 00:08:15,014 --> 00:08:15,963 (all cheering) 212 00:08:16,049 --> 00:08:17,181 Now let's get out there. 213 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:18,766 (boys) Yeah. 214 00:08:18,852 --> 00:08:19,934 Clear eyes. 215 00:08:20,019 --> 00:08:21,853 Full hearts. 216 00:08:21,971 --> 00:08:23,271 (all) Don't rape! 217 00:08:23,356 --> 00:08:24,772 (indistinct shouting) 218 00:08:24,858 --> 00:08:26,557 - Woo! - Yeah. 219 00:08:28,778 --> 00:08:30,645 Ain't it good to be the coach? 220 00:08:32,115 --> 00:08:33,397 I love you, baby. 221 00:08:34,367 --> 00:08:37,652 (crowd cheering) 222 00:08:42,572 --> 00:08:44,956 There she goes like a shooting star 223 00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:47,659 She got fireworks in her heart 224 00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,294 Lighting up this world... 225 00:08:49,379 --> 00:08:50,328 (women laughing) 226 00:08:50,414 --> 00:08:52,094 (woman) You guys. You never slept with him. 227 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,715 You don't know what you're missing. 228 00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:54,666 (woman 2) No way! 229 00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:55,717 It's crazy. 230 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,336 Hi. Are you lost? 231 00:08:58,422 --> 00:09:00,639 Um, I'm sorry. 232 00:09:00,724 --> 00:09:03,308 I just-- I love all of you, I can't-- 233 00:09:03,393 --> 00:09:04,976 (laughing) I can't believe you're here. 234 00:09:05,062 --> 00:09:06,761 You're, like, literally my heroes. 235 00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,096 (Julia) God, you look familiar. 236 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,732 Are you that girl from the television 237 00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,600 who talks about her pussy all the time? 238 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,486 Yes! 239 00:09:14,571 --> 00:09:16,571 That-- Yes, thank you. 240 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,440 - How fun. Well, come sit. - Please. 241 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:19,741 - (laughing) Come on. - Yeah. 242 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,326 Come talk about your pussy over here. 243 00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:23,361 (Amy giggling) 244 00:09:23,447 --> 00:09:25,697 Is it-- Is it someone's birthday or-- 245 00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:26,748 Oh. 246 00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:27,949 Kind of the opposite. 247 00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,875 We're celebrating Julia's last (bleep)able day. 248 00:09:29,953 --> 00:09:31,336 (Julia) Yes, salud. 249 00:09:31,421 --> 00:09:33,755 Woo! Woohoo! 250 00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,957 Um, I'm sorry, did you say Julia's last (bleep)able day? 251 00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:37,375 - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. 252 00:09:37,461 --> 00:09:38,843 What is that? 253 00:09:38,929 --> 00:09:42,380 In every actress' life, the media decides when you finally 254 00:09:42,466 --> 00:09:45,650 reach the point where you're not believably (bleep)able anymore. 255 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,386 But-- I mean, how do you know? 256 00:09:48,472 --> 00:09:49,387 Who tells you? 257 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:52,057 Well, nobody-- Nobody really overtly tells you, 258 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,058 - Right. - But there are signs. 259 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:56,144 You know how Sally Field was Tom Hanks' love interest 260 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:58,229 in "Punchline" and then, like, 20 minutes later, 261 00:09:58,315 --> 00:09:59,698 she was his mom in "Forest Gump"? 262 00:09:59,783 --> 00:10:01,783 Or you might get offered a romcom 263 00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,401 with Jack Nicholson where you're competing 264 00:10:03,487 --> 00:10:05,737 with another woman to (bleep) him. 265 00:10:05,823 --> 00:10:07,454 I just had an audition for Mrs. Claus. 266 00:10:07,479 --> 00:10:08,974 - You're kidding me. - I read for that part. 267 00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,266 I read for that, too. 268 00:10:10,291 --> 00:10:11,486 - (Julia) You did? - Yes. 269 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,204 - Hey, who got that? - J.Lo. 270 00:10:13,229 --> 00:10:15,104 (gasping) Oh, she'll be good. 271 00:10:15,165 --> 00:10:16,581 - She's gonna be really good. - (Julia) Really good. 272 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:17,916 Or you go to a movie set, 273 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,491 you go to wardrobe and the only thing 274 00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,169 they have for you to wear are long sweaters, 275 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,338 like cover you up head to toe kind of thing. 276 00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:24,923 Right, or, like, the poster for your movie 277 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,591 is just, like, a picture of a kitchen. 278 00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:27,623 Yeah. 279 00:10:27,648 --> 00:10:30,335 With these very uplifting and yet vague titles, like, 280 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:33,565 "Whatever It Takes" or "She Means Well." 281 00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:34,900 That kind of thing, right? 282 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,535 Another common sign is when they ostart remaking your best movies 283 00:10:37,621 --> 00:10:39,404 with younger, more (bleep)able actresses. 284 00:10:39,489 --> 00:10:42,741 I guess they're making "Boyhood" with Selena Gomez in my part. 285 00:10:42,826 --> 00:10:44,042 That's gonna make a lot of money. 286 00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:46,444 I don't understand. You're all so (bleep)able. 287 00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:49,114 Like, believe me, no one was more surprised than me 288 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,332 that they let me stay (bleep)able throughout my 40s 289 00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,835 and the fact that it continued into my 50s. 290 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,837 This was just like, thanks, but... 291 00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,255 I thought that US Weekly had made some sort of 292 00:10:57,340 --> 00:10:59,207 a clerical error or something. 293 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,017 Tell me about it. 294 00:11:00,042 --> 00:11:02,343 If you shoot a sex scene the night before your birthday, 295 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:04,879 everyone is like, hurry up, hurry up, we gotta get it before midnight, 296 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,632 'cause they think your vagina is gonna turn into a hermit crab. 297 00:11:07,717 --> 00:11:09,717 Well, is there anything you can do to delay it? 298 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,187 Yeah, I mean, you can try, but it only makes it worse, 299 00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,471 like those Real Housewives. 300 00:11:13,557 --> 00:11:16,474 They try to look young, but then they end up looking like a purse 301 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,643 - that melted in a car accident. - Yeah. 302 00:11:18,728 --> 00:11:21,980 They look like when a kid draws a face on its hand. 303 00:11:22,065 --> 00:11:24,065 But what about men? Like, who tells men 304 00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:25,733 when it's their last (bleep)able day? 305 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:29,204 (all laughing) 306 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,823 - Honey, men don't have that day. - Never. 307 00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,124 Well, they're (bleep)able forever. 308 00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:35,330 They could be 100 and, like, nothing but white spiders 309 00:11:35,378 --> 00:11:37,078 coming out, but they're (bleep)able. 310 00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:39,097 I didn't get this commercial last week for AARP 311 00:11:39,182 --> 00:11:42,167 because the director said I was too old to play Larry King's wife. 312 00:11:42,252 --> 00:11:44,169 I heard that Bruce Willis 313 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:47,388 just got engaged to a girl who is 24 years younger than him 314 00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:50,091 and I heard that she's an actual baby lamb. 315 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,893 What? Really? 316 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,328 Mm, Google it. 317 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,180 So, wait, are you guys, like, bummed at all? 318 00:11:55,265 --> 00:11:56,648 (Julia) What? No. 319 00:11:56,733 --> 00:11:58,850 Are you kidding me? I'm thrilled. 320 00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,151 Ecstatic. 321 00:12:00,237 --> 00:12:01,986 I mean, I don't have to deal with this, 322 00:12:02,072 --> 00:12:03,154 maintaining this anymore. 323 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,406 I mean, it's just such-- It's a godsend. 324 00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,158 I can grow my pubes out, it's-- 325 00:12:07,244 --> 00:12:09,527 Look at this. See this ice cream? 326 00:12:09,613 --> 00:12:11,212 It's been sitting out here for an hour. 327 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,365 You wanna know why? Watch this, baby. 328 00:12:15,252 --> 00:12:17,001 (all chanting) Chug, chug, chug, chug! 329 00:12:17,087 --> 00:12:18,169 Chug, chug, chug, chug! 330 00:12:18,255 --> 00:12:20,538 - (Amy chuckling) Oh, my God! - Woo! 331 00:12:20,674 --> 00:12:21,873 (belching) 332 00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:24,342 Whoa! (laughing) 333 00:12:24,427 --> 00:12:25,210 (farting) 334 00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,378 - Oh, whoa. - (Tina) Hilo! 335 00:12:27,464 --> 00:12:28,213 (all laughing) 336 00:12:28,298 --> 00:12:29,180 (Julia) All right. 337 00:12:29,266 --> 00:12:31,182 You know what's next. Let's go do this thing. 338 00:12:31,268 --> 00:12:33,551 - Where are we going? - To do the ritual. 339 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:38,439 And then we put her in the boat and we push her out into the water 340 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:40,458 and we drink champagne to salute how (bleep)able 341 00:12:40,543 --> 00:12:41,809 she was for so many years. 342 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:45,113 - It's nice. - (Julia) Yeah, It's really nice. 343 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,898 (all shouting) Cheers. 344 00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,116 (laughing) 345 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,651 And where is she going? 346 00:12:50,787 --> 00:12:53,621 - Home. - Wait, what? 347 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:54,572 Tina, no! 348 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,077 Seriously, relax. She's just going to her house. 349 00:13:00,497 --> 00:13:03,248 I gotta get clothes that I've got to get out of the dryer. 350 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,916 (exhaling) Okay, I was right. 351 00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:06,668 She's an actual baby lamb. 352 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,753 - Oh. - Oh. 353 00:13:08,838 --> 00:13:10,421 (Julia) Can I see it? 354 00:13:10,507 --> 00:13:11,556 Oh. 355 00:13:11,641 --> 00:13:12,507 Good for them. 356 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,510 - I'm out. - Okay, bye, I'll see you. 357 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,178 (kissing) 358 00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:18,680 What are you doing? 359 00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,266 I'm just gonna, um, go home and wax my beard. 360 00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,770 When does that start? 361 00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:32,878 I'm fine with old, old guys dating young, beautiful women. 362 00:13:32,996 --> 00:13:34,246 Like, I think that's very cool 363 00:13:34,331 --> 00:13:36,348 and they usually have a really cool origin story. 364 00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:38,550 (audience laughing) 365 00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:41,720 Like, if the story is, like, let me guess. 366 00:13:41,839 --> 00:13:44,673 You're really rich... 367 00:13:44,808 --> 00:13:47,843 and you didn't want to see people at the Olive Garden anymore. 368 00:13:47,978 --> 00:13:50,178 Is that-- Did I get it? 369 00:13:50,314 --> 00:13:53,014 Like, it's never, like, he's a struggling something. 370 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,516 No. 371 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,852 It's gross, 'cause I, like, try to-- 372 00:13:56,987 --> 00:13:58,987 Now guys, like, think I can help them, so they want to (bleep) me 373 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,573 'cause they think I'll, like, do their podcast and, uh... 374 00:14:01,692 --> 00:14:03,525 (laughing) 375 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:04,526 ...and I will. 376 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:07,028 And if anyone here-- I will do. 377 00:14:07,164 --> 00:14:09,498 Talk about and it's a good time for women. 378 00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:13,285 I just think, like, for age, like, just date someone who uses 379 00:14:13,370 --> 00:14:16,171 the same size font on their cell phone as you. 380 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,206 That should be the rule. 381 00:14:18,342 --> 00:14:22,410 If you're, like, normal and he's, like, the top of an eye chart, 382 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,096 like, go back on Tinder. 383 00:14:25,215 --> 00:14:26,247 Um... 384 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,239 (announcer) You live a busy life. 385 00:14:34,325 --> 00:14:36,158 The last thing you want to have to worry about 386 00:14:36,277 --> 00:14:37,409 is your birth control pill. 387 00:14:37,495 --> 00:14:41,113 That's why we're introducing OrthoEsterin, a new low-dose 388 00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:44,249 daily birth control pill with little to no side effects. 389 00:14:44,335 --> 00:14:47,119 Ask your doctor if birth control is right for you. 390 00:14:47,204 --> 00:14:50,923 Then ask your boss if birth control is right for you. 391 00:14:51,008 --> 00:14:53,959 Ask your boss to ask his priest. 392 00:14:54,044 --> 00:14:57,296 Find a boy scout and see what he thinks. 393 00:14:57,381 --> 00:14:58,630 Tap a mailman on the shoulder. 394 00:14:58,716 --> 00:15:00,116 Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. 395 00:15:00,134 --> 00:15:02,017 Tell him you didn't mean to startle him. 396 00:15:02,136 --> 00:15:04,903 Then ask him if birth control is right for you. 397 00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:08,107 Put it online and see how many likes it gets. 398 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,642 Come on. 399 00:15:10,778 --> 00:15:13,312 (announcer) Ask an old black man and an Asian boy 400 00:15:13,397 --> 00:15:14,563 playing chess in the park. 401 00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:15,731 Should I start this new birth control? 402 00:15:15,816 --> 00:15:17,032 Then ask them how they became friends, 403 00:15:17,151 --> 00:15:19,485 because there has just got to be a story there. 404 00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:21,320 I'm trying to get birth control. 405 00:15:21,405 --> 00:15:23,789 Ask someone who just got one of those cochlear implants 406 00:15:23,874 --> 00:15:26,158 and is hearing for the very first time. 407 00:15:28,078 --> 00:15:29,995 Yeah, but can I get birth control? 408 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,413 Ask Jeeves. 409 00:15:31,499 --> 00:15:33,332 I'm supposed to ask you, too. 410 00:15:33,417 --> 00:15:35,551 Ask your mom's new boyfriend. 411 00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:38,587 Then ask the Supreme Court. 412 00:15:38,672 --> 00:15:43,342 Finally, ask yourself why you insist on having sex for fun. 413 00:15:44,645 --> 00:15:46,311 No refills? 414 00:15:46,397 --> 00:15:48,046 I have to go through all this again next month? 415 00:15:48,132 --> 00:15:49,681 Yep. See you then. 416 00:15:53,154 --> 00:15:55,320 - Can I have a gun? - Yep. 417 00:15:58,492 --> 00:16:00,225 Remember, that's your right. 418 00:16:04,081 --> 00:16:06,448 So Bailey Jay, you are a transsexual. 419 00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:08,600 - I am. - You have a (bleep). 420 00:16:08,686 --> 00:16:09,968 That is a fact. 421 00:16:10,004 --> 00:16:12,454 Just answer all the questions that everyone always asks you 422 00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:13,740 that you're sick of answering. 423 00:16:13,841 --> 00:16:17,376 I pee sitting down. I don't use the men's room. 424 00:16:17,511 --> 00:16:18,594 What about when you were younger. 425 00:16:18,712 --> 00:16:21,096 What was-- What was up? 426 00:16:21,215 --> 00:16:22,598 It was, like, the world thought I was a girl 427 00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:25,093 - before I was figuring it out. - Oh, okay. 428 00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,792 Substitute teachers called me she, I hated it, 429 00:16:26,887 --> 00:16:28,087 it was, like, so embarrassing. 430 00:16:28,105 --> 00:16:30,889 - Yeah. - And then I was really effeminate. 431 00:16:30,975 --> 00:16:32,815 I would have had to get on testosterone therapy 432 00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,776 if I wanted to look like a normal person. 433 00:16:34,895 --> 00:16:35,575 Right. 434 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,638 So I was like, let's try estrogen and grow boobs 435 00:16:37,731 --> 00:16:39,565 and see how that works out, and it did. 436 00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,733 - And look at you now. - Look at me now, so. 437 00:16:41,869 --> 00:16:44,786 - You are very gorgeous. - Thank you. 438 00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:46,405 Do you deal with a lot of-- 439 00:16:46,490 --> 00:16:48,991 Like, more attention than you want to deal with? 440 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,576 I live in the middle of nowhere. 441 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:51,445 Right. 442 00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:53,820 So, like, if you don't look like a pile of garbage, 443 00:16:53,914 --> 00:16:56,081 - you will get a lot of attention. - Completely, I understand that. 444 00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:58,550 That's why I'm thinking of moving to your town. 445 00:16:58,636 --> 00:17:00,419 - You should, 'cause it's awesome. - Right? 446 00:17:00,554 --> 00:17:01,914 I'll just be the belle of the ball. 447 00:17:01,972 --> 00:17:03,388 I moved to Brooklyn for a little bit and I was like, all right, 448 00:17:03,474 --> 00:17:04,723 I'm a Brooklyn seven. 449 00:17:04,808 --> 00:17:06,558 - Right, let me go... - Kind of a bummer. 450 00:17:06,644 --> 00:17:09,011 - Let me go to Poughkeepsie. - Poughkeepsie, 25. 451 00:17:09,036 --> 00:17:09,919 Yeah. 452 00:17:09,980 --> 00:17:11,597 When I walk into the grocery store, I'm like Beyonc?, 453 00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,015 like everyone's just like, who's she? 454 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,082 What's up? 455 00:17:14,168 --> 00:17:15,334 Did you ever think about... 456 00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:18,954 snipping off your... penis? 457 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,455 - Um, not-- - I've never-- 458 00:17:20,591 --> 00:17:22,424 Believe it or not, I've never asked anyone that before. 459 00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,042 - Wow. - Yeah. 460 00:17:24,128 --> 00:17:25,960 There's times I want to wear yoga pants. 461 00:17:25,996 --> 00:17:26,728 Right. 462 00:17:26,764 --> 00:17:29,181 And not look like I have a toddler shoved down the front of my pants. 463 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:30,966 - Like... - Mhm, you want a little camel. 464 00:17:31,101 --> 00:17:32,634 - Right. - Maybe a little camel. 465 00:17:32,770 --> 00:17:34,686 It's cute, vaginas are cute, in theory. 466 00:17:34,805 --> 00:17:38,807 My vagina looks like a sandwich from Delfonte's, but that's-- 467 00:17:38,893 --> 00:17:40,943 But this isn't about me. This isn't about me. 468 00:17:41,028 --> 00:17:43,896 - You are married. - I am married. 469 00:17:43,981 --> 00:17:46,148 So how did you meet your husband and... 470 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,984 Um, he was a photographer. 471 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,786 He was like, hey, I want to shoot pictures of you 472 00:17:50,871 --> 00:17:52,821 and I was like, hey, I have a penis. 473 00:17:52,907 --> 00:17:54,873 And he was like, that is interesting. 474 00:17:54,892 --> 00:17:57,492 What was it like to watch him sort of enter this situation 475 00:17:57,628 --> 00:18:00,245 that-- I'm assuming he'd just been straight before. 476 00:18:00,331 --> 00:18:03,248 Yeah, yeah, and he still considers himself straight now, 477 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:04,333 but yeah, he-- 478 00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:07,302 He was just kind of like, hey, this person's very attractive, 479 00:18:07,388 --> 00:18:08,170 - Yeah. - I really like them. 480 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,671 They happen to have a penis, 481 00:18:09,757 --> 00:18:10,973 so we already have something in common. 482 00:18:11,058 --> 00:18:11,558 Right. 483 00:18:11,571 --> 00:18:13,032 And so that was a good jumping off point. 484 00:18:13,143 --> 00:18:15,978 It turns out that guys don't hate penises. 485 00:18:16,063 --> 00:18:17,346 They're obsessed with their own. 486 00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,147 They take pictures of it all day long with their phone. 487 00:18:19,233 --> 00:18:20,148 Absolutely. 488 00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:22,734 So then I have a penis and I don't get a period 489 00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:24,353 and I like anal, so we just-- 490 00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:25,854 - We made it work. - You're the perfect woman. 491 00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:26,855 We made it work. 492 00:18:26,991 --> 00:18:28,690 You are absolutely the perfect woman. 493 00:18:28,776 --> 00:18:30,492 What do you jerk off to... lately? 494 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:31,577 I jerk off to everything. 495 00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:33,545 I jerk off to weird-- I jerk off to everything. 496 00:18:33,630 --> 00:18:34,663 Like what? 497 00:18:34,748 --> 00:18:36,198 - Is it porn... - What? 498 00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,033 - That you jerk off to? - Yes, oh, yeah. 499 00:18:38,168 --> 00:18:39,584 I mean, I don't use my imagination, I have testicles. 500 00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:41,169 Gotcha. 501 00:18:41,255 --> 00:18:42,537 I always watch "Laurel Canyon". 502 00:18:42,673 --> 00:18:44,956 - Wait, what is that? - It's a movie with Christian Bale. 503 00:18:45,075 --> 00:18:47,509 Oh, my God. Okay, took a second, okay. 504 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,628 What do you think the biggest misconception is 505 00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:51,179 about someone who's trans? 506 00:18:51,265 --> 00:18:53,265 Oh, easily that transgender women are-- 507 00:18:53,384 --> 00:18:54,433 Try to trick men. 508 00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:56,852 Do you think "The Crying Game" gave everybody, like, 509 00:18:56,937 --> 00:18:58,520 a tough break or-- 510 00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:01,390 Trans movies in general are such a bummer. 511 00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:02,858 Like "Boys Don't Cry". 512 00:19:02,943 --> 00:19:04,943 I always try to specify that at the end of the day, 513 00:19:05,029 --> 00:19:08,063 I'm not, like, taking off a wig and sobbing, like. 514 00:19:08,198 --> 00:19:10,148 Just, like, unwrapping all the tape, 515 00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:11,900 - keeping your dick down. - Right, like, the real me. 516 00:19:12,036 --> 00:19:13,201 Like, that doesn't happen. 517 00:19:13,287 --> 00:19:15,537 Usually when I tell people, they're cool, 518 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:16,488 - like... - Yeah. 519 00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,656 So mostly everybody. 520 00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,207 Yeah, like, I-- It sucks. 521 00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:20,375 I wish I had the story. 522 00:19:20,461 --> 00:19:21,743 No, I swear, I don't-- 523 00:19:21,879 --> 00:19:23,078 I'm so happy. (laughing) 524 00:19:23,213 --> 00:19:24,413 I am so happy to hear that. 525 00:19:24,548 --> 00:19:26,915 There's no part of me that's, like, when were you, like, 526 00:19:27,051 --> 00:19:28,417 beaten and raped to death? 527 00:19:28,502 --> 00:19:30,168 I'm, like, very happy to hear that. 528 00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:31,303 Yeah, people are pretty good when you're-- 529 00:19:31,422 --> 00:19:34,066 - You know what, though? - What? 530 00:19:34,091 --> 00:19:35,865 If I didn't, maybe, look the way I did, 531 00:19:35,926 --> 00:19:36,892 I don't think I'd be-- 532 00:19:36,977 --> 00:19:38,297 I don't think it's human niceness, 533 00:19:38,312 --> 00:19:39,761 I think it's people think with their dick sometimes. 534 00:19:39,897 --> 00:19:41,263 Oh, you're right. It's more a shallow thing. 535 00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,265 - So it's still terrible. - Yeah. 536 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,317 But it seems like that might be changing a little bit. 537 00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:47,185 - Things are changing so much. - Right. 538 00:19:47,271 --> 00:19:48,854 Like, Joe Biden mentioned us. 539 00:19:48,939 --> 00:19:50,188 - Yeah. - It's like, yeah! 540 00:19:50,274 --> 00:19:51,740 - I bet he did. - So that's good. 541 00:19:51,825 --> 00:19:53,241 Yeah. (laughing) 542 00:19:53,327 --> 00:19:55,243 That does not surprise me. 543 00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:59,663 544 00:19:59,749 --> 00:20:01,882 I think that sex is explained incorrectly, 545 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,050 as far as genders go. 546 00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:07,171 It's like, men love sex and women just deal with it. 547 00:20:07,256 --> 00:20:09,757 Right? Every movie, every TV show, 548 00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,059 the guy gets home from work and he's like, honey? 549 00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:13,861 How about tonight? 550 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,381 And she's always like, bleh! 551 00:20:17,167 --> 00:20:19,600 You know I hate your dick, laundry, laundry. 552 00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:22,403 (laughter and applause) 553 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,188 I don't know any girls like that, right? 554 00:20:24,273 --> 00:20:27,191 Also, it's always such a tiny, little pile of laundry. 555 00:20:27,276 --> 00:20:29,059 It's like, not enough for a load. 556 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,197 Which I think should be the title of my next special. 557 00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:34,865 Um... 558 00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:41,872 I don't know what's making me so tired, but I am. 559 00:20:42,258 --> 00:20:45,926 (laughing) 560 00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:48,045 You know what, guys? It's time. 561 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,013 (sniffing) 562 00:20:49,098 --> 00:20:50,464 Where are we going? You wanna come? 563 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:51,765 - To do the ritual. - (woman) Julia, just give me 564 00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:53,217 "All right, I'm ready." (laughter) 565 00:20:53,302 --> 00:20:54,602 (woman) So easy. 566 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:55,819 (man) Mmm, magic. 567 00:20:55,843 --> 00:20:57,743 Sync and corrections by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 568 00:20:57,793 --> 00:21:02,343 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0